


Hope (the tune without words)

by dancer4813



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: ALL THE SPOILERS, Angst, Brief Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Canon Compliant, Edited and Revised and re-uploaded, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I love Kerrek, KerrBear, Kerrek gives me feels, Major Spoilers for Episode 83, Tal'dorei Campaign, all of them - Freeform, as far as we know at least, or at least attempts at it, this is me trying to deal with them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 05:53:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9478463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancer4813/pseuds/dancer4813
Summary: Sometimes people leave and you can't get them back(and sometimes that's not the end of the story)





	

**Author's Note:**

> I sat down and wrote this immediately after the episode was over ~~and it's not proof-read at all, so it might be a mess,~~ and it has now been edited and revised, but Patrick Rothfuss gave me so many feeling about Kerrek with everything he did in Episode 83, and I needed to get my thoughts on paper.
> 
> KerrBear needs a hug guys, just... all the hugs.  
> (i need a hug)

Kerrek stands, breathing heavily, the glow from his hammer fading as Raishan’s body falls to the ground, limp. He blinks once, twice, his vision solidifying on Percy’s prone form, the gunslinger’s gut slashed open.

Kima walks up beside him, clearly in his periphery, and places a hand on his shoulder, her eyes fixed on the green dragon corpse before them, and she speaks carefully to the room.

“You did what had to be done. Thank you.”

His mouth mumbles something about helping Percy, bypassing his brain entirely, and Kima shakes her head, eyes downcast.

“I think he’s beyond either of our power now,” she says, before straightening and calling for Allura, leaving him to the two bodies at his feet.

Kerrek falls to his knees, paying no mind to the shouts bouncing around him.

It’s just noise now.

He prays, willing his hands to imbue Percy’s corpse with life, but the magic fails to take hold and so he does what he can. Triage – something he has far more experience with than he does the aftermath of battle.

Vex rushes over, calling for Pike, and Kerrek feels his scarred heart pushing at the seams even as he dismisses the flashes of memory from his last adventure.

Of what could have been, and what wasn’t.

Sometimes allies fall and they don’t get up.

(and sometimes you give up on them before giving them a chance)

Part of him envies Vox Machina’s steadfast belief that they will not lose one of their own, and part of him wishes he still had that. 

(a small portion of him is glad he doesn’t. being able to let go lessens the hurt, Kerr has found)

But Pike’s revivify takes hold, and Kerrek feels the invisible barrier that had kept his magic from pushing through suddenly disappear and he _wills_ healing energy into the man below him even as Vex bursts into loud sobs, layering kisses over Percy’s cheeks and face.

When Percival’s eyes open, Kerr takes a step back to leave them a modicum of privacy.

(there are some things not meant to be shared)

Kerrek pushes down more never-quite-forgotten memories of days long past, and he surveys the rest of the party, counting heads to see that everyone is there and standing and well.

But he sees Scanlan’s pale form, clutched to Vax’s chest, and hears Grog’s shouts as if through a tunnel.

“Fix him! We’ve got all of these people with magic; you’ve all got magic spells, so _fix him_!”

Kerrek sees Vax’s bowed head, his lips tight and his eyes closed, and he understands. But then the rest of them start back up, and someone says “Vax, the Raven Queen – you can talk to her, right?” and there are too many memories there.  

Kerrek turns to survey the rest of the cave, his heart heavy.

He is met with the sight of dragon corpses and evil magics, the likes of which he is sure he will never be able to comprehend, and Kerrek feels a shiver down his spine as he glances back to the rest of them, who have shifted their focus to Allura, who asks them to come closer so they can teleport away.

Vox Machina, so much younger than himself and yet so much stronger than he ever was.

Kerrek had been fully prepared to face his death while fighting Raishan, but fate said otherwise. He has some other purpose, and as loathe as he is to continue living sometimes; especially when those who have died deserve it so much less than he himself does, Kerrek will fulfill that destiny.

(he'll do what he always has done – what needs to be done)

The teleportation fails and they take what they can from the sanctum, though he finds himself caught unawares by a glyph on the floor that glows and sends a rush of pain through him, his muscles tensing and tightening and his vision whites out in a fiery haze. His ears are filled with the rush of blood that is drowned out by the screams being forced from his body despite his inability to move, until his sight clears and he sees Vax crouching over him, Scanlan’s small form still held in his arms.

Even as Allura warns them not to approach the glyph until it has faded, Kerrek finds himself gasping, the pain leaving quicker than he had anticipated.

He’s suffered worse, and all that matters is it’s still not sufficient penance.

(years and years of working and it’s never enough)

Kerrek knows they need to get out, before anything else happens. And he knows that despite the prowess of those around him, at least part of his purpose is to protect others. It always has been, and that’s not changed, regardless of who has fallen or why.

They start heading back, and he hears the laughter of the flaming skulls. He sees their familiar forms and charges forward, even as bullets, arrows, and beams of sunlight shoot past him. He takes the impact of two flaming beams of energy to his shoulder and leg, but he takes his blows at the skull that has not fallen, smashing it out of the air. He turns back to them, trying not to let his gaze linger on their faces.

“The way is clear,” he says, and he leads them back the way they had come not even an hour before.

When they emerge into the dying sunlight Kerrek takes a glance at the cave behind him and almost regrets it, with the memory it brings to the forefront of his mind, when he last departed a necromancer’s lair.

He feels a divine spark of reassurance – small, but enough to start thawing the icy coldness that had settled over him in the cave. Kerrek offers a prayer of thanks and follows the rest of them, stopping only when Allura finds a clear place to make her teleportation circle.

And then she and Kima are gone, and Kerrek is staring at the place they vanished, half-wondering if he should run through and follow them.

(he is too slow, too hesitant)

He follows Vox Machina. He listens to their certainties, their hopes, and their silence as they all continue walking away from the hill, from the death emanating off the center of the island. He listens as Keyleth shares what she saw, and he feels a renewed sinking feeling in his chest even as Percy reiterates their plan to her and she locks eyes with each of them individually, her own wide and pleading and _never_ wanting to give up.  

(they may have won this battle with hope, but hope is not everything, and it cannot solve any problem)

And when they reach the shore, just as they begin searching around for a large enough tree, Keyleth steps up to the edge of the tide, the water lapping at the leather of her boots, her eyes scanning the horizon.

Kerrek sighs, managing to take two steps toward her before she points out to her right, hand shaking.

“They’re there! Aw, shit! I don’t know if it’s them- it looks like them, I’m sure it’s them-“

He places his hand on her shoulder and, feeling his age, the tiredness in his bones, silently begs her to give up the meaningless search.

“Oh child, wishing doesn’t make it so.”

(he knows from experience that hope is strong, but never quite strong enough to conquer the inevitable)

Sometimes you need to find the strength to move on, to grow out of the fire that passes in and around and through you. To be a leader you often have to accept the difficult truths.

“But there’s something! There’s something out there and it might be something different, but there’s something!”

“Keyleth-“ Percy tries to interject, but Vex has already taken off on her broom, speeding out over the waves set aglow by the setting sun, and Keyleth is giving her directions over their earrings.

“Good, no, a little too far to the left- That’s good, straight ahead… “

But eventually Vex flies out of range, her and the broom only a speck in the sky, and Keyleth’s break catches in her chest once, twice, before she seems to choke and she collapses into Kerrek’s shoulder, reminiscent of the day before when she had broken down in the Cinder King’s lair.

He worries, but he holds her close and rocks her gently from side to side, trying to break the truth to her as whispered words in her ear.

(hope cannot heal broken hearts)

“Sometimes people don’t come back,” he says as the waves rush against the shore and the sun creeps lower and lower, feeling some of her tears seep through his jerkin. “Sometimes people leave and you can’t get them back.”

His mouth continues to move without his urging as he tries to comfort her, inane phrases of truths he’s learned over the years.

(her hopes are already dashed – he wants to let them fall gradually)

Still Keyleth finds it in herself to mumble Vex’s name into her earring, the optimism inside her like a fire that can’t be put out, even if only the smallest sparks remain. While Kerrek continues to murmur his reassurances, she babbles into the earring, asking for something, anything; a sign that they’re alive.

“What?!” Keyleth exclaims, sitting upright in response to some impetus that has the rest of Vox Machina gazing out over the ocean waters. “Oh thank the gods.”

And she collapses into him again, tears flowing down her cheeks in never-ceasing rivulets. Kerrek looks around, wondering what had happened, and he makes eye contact with Vax, who is standing only a few feet behind him.

“My sister said she found them; Kima and Allura,” Vax says, his chest high and his arms strong despite the weight they carried. “They’re on their way back.”

Kerrek gapes for a moment, not knowing what to make of the turn of events, but he nods and looks away from Vax’s stare, his hand coming to rest on Keyleth’s shoulder, his own words outstripped in importance in mere moments.

Sometimes people leave and you can’t get them back.

(sometimes they leave, but you won’t let them stay gone)

And when they come together and exit the portal to Whitestone, into the chill dusk air, Kerrek thinks he understands the difference between Keyleth and himself.

Kerrek has seen enough of the world to see how hope has failed, but how rising from the ashes is possible and even likely.

Keyleth (and Vox Machina) have seen enough of the world to be able to hope in everything they believe in, never letting that go until every option is exhausted, ever potential spent.

(that steadfastness hasn’t held a place in his heart for years)

He watches and prays in the deepening night, and feels his own spark of hope return to him even as darkness falls and friends hold vigil.

**Author's Note:**

>  _"Hope is the thing with feathers / That perches in the soul / And sings the tune without the words / And never stops at all."_  
>  -Emily Dickinson 
> 
> Check scream incoherently with me on my tumblr, @dancer4813


End file.
